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| This ain’t rock’n’roll...This is...YULETIDE!!! |
| Written by Graham Quinn | ||||||
 Graham Quinn rummages through the turkey leftovers, spent wrapping paper and old 45s in search of musical joy this Christmas. Watch out ladies, he's loaded on eggnog and armed with mistletoe.
'Classic Christmas Songs' - there's a certain oxymoronic value to that phrase. The usual image of Christmas pop music tends to give unwanted promenance to gaudy knitted sweaters, a preponderance of sleigh bells / chimes / kids choirs (delete as and when your hatred boils to the appropriate level), Cliff Richard - I'll stop now lest the combined explosions of outrage dislodge the Earth from her orbit. This is, however, just another example of where The Man has popular culture by the baubles, telling us we actually welcome this stuff because of the amounts in which we buy them - when of course the 'record buying population' is always disproportionately swelled at Christmas BY people who do what adverts and tv shows tell them, then go to Tesco for their yearly music purchase. With a little digging, the odd venture beyond the beaten track, a much more rewarding and enlightening Christmas musical experience can be found. One that reflects more of what its all supposed to be abou..- sorry, no, even I can't carry off that level of schmaltz ... And let me please point out, this is just a personal selection - purposefully not using anything such as 'Best' or 'Greatest' in the title, it's not meant to be definitive, just those tunes I have collated over the years from various places, compilations, EPs, b-sides, even magazine freebies; some are seasonal staples, others original compositions, or less familiar versions of traditional fayre. Whichever, their annual dusting down is nigh. And yes, I will be attempting to insert as many bad Christmas puns as possible - you get an e-chocolate for every one you find; it's like an advent calendar, with a lower fat content and less entertainment value. Ideally, it will lead people to add their own examples and favourites, and then it will be like we are all putting tunes into a giant virtual bran tub at the Twisted Ear Christmas party, where everyone gets a nice pressie. Then someone spikes the non-alcoholic punch with some of those alco-pops the kids like, half the group end up arguing about which Neil Young album is the best, and the rest are puking into various Razorlight promo sleeves (finding a use for them at last, who says there's never a miracle at Christmas?). But back to the matter in hand.... Frosty The Snowman - The Ronettes Those familiar with Twisted Ear, and more specifically the Hearing Aid section, will know that the album from which this track is taken has had its dues paid here already, and rightly so - you could pick everything from that record and just stop there for a fantastic Christmas music experience. For me, it's the vocal that does it here - exuberant and powerful, elevating the nursery rhyme melody even higher than Spector could have expected with his production chicanery. In the days when I was forced to listen to music radio at work, I would loftily declare that Christmas could not start until I had heard this record played. Thankfully everyone ignored me and we all had a great time anyway.
Ooooohhh!! Take a stand, Radical Man!!!! Ok, but I did say there would be standards, and sometimes you just have to accept what's right. Of course the narrative and the wonderful vocal gutter fight usually get the plaudits, but let's have due regard for the music, ranging from doleful paino, to Celtic strumming, and finishing in a string laden coda that is an apogee in human, let alone musical, achievement.
Sonically not particularly Christmassy at all, but a pounding disco stormer that doesn't even get hauled back by one of Burgess' more whiny vocals. The sound of the office party writ if not large, then all spangly and pumped up, summing up the 'last day of term' feeling with the lines "Getting groovy after Hallowe'en, / mid-November, got back on the scene. / I'm so glad that I just got my pay..".
A grand ballad detailing what appears to be a lost love but is actually a story of death and grief (probably closer to many people's family/in-laws Christmas dinner experience), taken along on lightly psyched-guitar and bluesy piano. It is dramatic and heartrending as the lamentation for the minutiae of lost love reveals its true basis in the lines "you promised me you'd never leave.... And then you died on the 25th day of December / .....as long as I can hear you smiling baby / You won't hear my tears / Another Lonely Christmas is mine". Sometimes turkey and James Bond just isn't enough for people, I guess.
Double whammy from Rufus, taken from the wonderful McGarrigle Christmas Hour album where the family Wainwright get together and bash (to the extent that they ever 'bash' anything) out carols, standards and covers, as well as some new stuff. Spotlight On Christmas is one of those effortless Rufus numbers, killer vocal melodies delivered like he's falling off a (Christmas chocolate and Grand Marnier) log, whereas What Are You Doing New Year's Eve? covers the work of theatre/movie songwriter Frank Loesser. It's a gorgeous piece of balladeering, truly special songwriting.
"Jimmy, I just came back from a lovely trip....." and I've brought some great big fuck-off sixties drums back with me. Oh and here's a honking, stonking sax solo from your Auntie Audrey. I still make sure I'm being good when I hear this record - you never know, it might not be me dad!
Just ignore the whispered soppiness at the start and we'll be ok. A song to prove that you could make the kind of sentiment espoused in Imagine not sound like the limpest sixth form poetry. It's uplifting, and yet even though 'War is over if you want it' seems naive, it serves as both noble ambition, and reminder of harsh reality. Crikey, got a bit deep there. I need more Baileys. Yoko's best ever vocal? I'll let you decide.
Despite their obvious best intentions (well, adding sleigh bells) to make a Christmas tune, this still has California and surfing all over it - even when the "Run run reindeer" line comes in, you picture Rudolph running down the beach in red trunks with a red plastic thing on a piece of string tied to his antlers.
Breathy, sexy, noir-y Chrimbo. Christmas in leather and chains. Santa in a gimp mask.
Another McGarrigle Hour cut, and Martha showing once again she's no footnote to the family album. As ever, it's no simple jolly seasonal tune, with its 'You're with your family and I'm alone' setting in the first verse, the specifics of the story told clearly showing this is observational rather than imaginative. She does wish everyone well, hoping they 'all have a good one this year', but you can't help feeling there's a middle digit aloft somewhere - and not just because there's a complicated chord coming up. Well, some people have shitty Christmasses, but they're still Christmasses all the same. A Change At Christmas (Say It Isn't So) - The Flaming Lips More ham at the beginning than your average Abbatoir workers party, but once more, the Lips turn sawdust into starlight. This is a lovely, spacey piece of work, melancholic but with that spark of hope you need to really feel it bite. (Note - apologies to vegetarian readers for the abbatoir line - you're quite right, a block of tofu with veggie sausages and nettle stuffing IS just as good on Christmas Day).
The soul/funk/r'n'b Christmas album was a feature of the 60s and 70s - there's tons of them - and this comes from the very top of the tree; one of the great soul/gospel voices of ALL time is Mavis. Trademark Staples groove intoning, as is their wont, the spiritual side of the season. You'll feel chastised, but in a soulful way.
Something extra poignant here, of course, given Mr.Brown's passing last Christmas Day. Everything you'd want from a James Brown Xmas - even better than a Charlie Brown Xmas!
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie - short of having an early 70's Stevie Christmas album, there can be little better than spending some time with any of his Motown Christmas songs. Funky piano, excellent use of sleigh bells there, and of course the voice, makes this the pick of the bunch.
Every Christmas platter needs its cheese selection. And of course he could have me killed, even from beyond the grave. Let's just leave it at that.
Produced by the Walrus of Love himself, a silky, liquid chocolate Christmas. Mmm, baby.......
The final instalment from the Phil Spector Christmas Album, and an almost twin like track from Charles Brown. Many have tried, few have succeeded in bettering these tunes. The former has such a wonderful melody, you'd think even the likes of Bon Jovi, Mariah Carey and Hanson couldn't maul it. Similarly with the Vandross and Jon Bon Jovi (somebody STOP HIM!!) covers of the latter. And then you give yourself a slap for being so naive. There's no bombast, no sheen, just pure soul from start to finish.
And there we have it - and I look forward to adding to this selection with gems yet to be offered. Just remember, a Christmas song isn't just for Christmas....well, clearly it is, by definition, but what I'm trying to say is the MESSAGE is universal, and if we all just remember what the Christmas season is really all about, and come together as one and - oh, hang on, there's the door.... Oh, Hi everyone, how's it goi..- Now there's no need to push, you'll all get in....oh, what are all those big sticks for?......
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