...X Factor. No, really. It's amazing. I'm not trying to be ironic or clever-clever and post-modern, I really like it. And it's not because of the singing. It's the panel; watch them during the songs and it's just the best tv, honestly, they're awesome. Here, though, is my plan to make it better:

The whole production needs to take a leaf out of Sky Sports' book and borrow largely from Peep Show too.  What's needed is a Panel Cam, where you select a panel memeber to focus entirely on, and within that a Point Of View camera shot for each of them. So should you hit your red button and choose one of the following, this is what you'll see:

COWELL: He is the best.  His top moments are either when he's caught rocking along to the tune in rhythm-free padded cell pendulum action, or during the song when you can see him mentally glaze over and drift away to suss out 'the talent's' market worth. When it's the latter what you will see on your screen would be a cross between Terminator's POV, were instead threat assessments, heat sensitive diagnostics, weapon targetting displays what we actually see are projected target market demographics and pop-FTSE graphs going through the roof, and the Matrix, only with the green zeroes and ones replaced with never-ending dripping pound and dollar signs. At this point Cowell is usually drooling.

WALSH: Choose him and you will simply witness CROTCHCAM. Become entranced as the camera gently sways back and forth, and side to side, in parallel with the stage act's (almost entriely male) dance moves. Be disappointed when the camera angle never goes northwards of waist-height. All to the tune of some Oirish jig. Or B*witched.

MINOGUE:  Instead of a camera, I would like a small microphone pressed firmly against the subject's (Miss Minogue's) brain, just so we can get something along the lines of an amplified inner monolgue/thought process. The reason for is to unearth just exactly what's required for her to utter such out-of-time, out-of-context yoof speak. I regularly cringe when I hear our Antipodean Bingo-Auntie try to stay 'down with the kids' in strange bid to out-hip Cheryl Cole. I want to know the source of saying someone's singing performance was either 'da bomb' or 'boxfresh'. Does she only have access to a 1994 subscription of The Face? She'll say 'jam hot' next week; I'm taking bets.

COLE: Any ideas, readers?  I find her quite inoffensive.

My favourite Foxy moment, aside from informing us that kiddy-fiddlers have more of genetic resemblance to crabs than to normal folk, is his mugging fizog on the Pepsi Music Chart Pub Quiz Machine. Anyone played it? It's a piece of p*ss, seriously. I always come out a £1 to the good on that. Not enough to start a career, but satisfactory for a round of Scampi Fries.

Is he really a doctor though? I mean could he be called upon in an emergency, say, on a plane?

you can finish that sentence with anything for me lol